Writing & Depression: The Perpetual Cycle

Now for the details...

     For me, what stimulates the depression most is Pre Publishing. To full understand it, I need to tell you about my publishing process. First comes the writing, self-edits, alpha edits, 2-3 more editors, and 10-20 beta readers, which takes 4 months to a year... Then about 4-6 months before the book is released, I add the book to Amazon and Draft2Digital, which immediately starts the pre order.

      Unfortunately, Amazon doesn’t notify anyone until two weeks before release, which means that for 3-5 months all pre orders come from my social media (SM), my email list, and word of mouth. Draft2Digital is much better with this. If you’ve signed up to be notified, they will let you know as soon as it appears on the websites. On the other hand, my SM gets suppressed when I talking about pre orders, orders of any kind, or my books at all, and that’s been the case for each of the ten books I’ve published.

Social Media Suppression: Yes, it's real...

       Most SM algorithms are designed to find key words (like pre order, sale, & links), then makes sure those videos don’t get views unless you pay the company/app to push them. Or worse, those who see it scroll on by, because it’s an “ad”, they don’t care, and they’re looking for specific content to make them forget or inform them about the world.

      Since I do ALL the work to promote the books, including making promo art, graphics, talking about it in detail on SM, and on rare occasions, ask others to post it to their pages. All that feels like a waste of time, energy, and creativity because the algorithm suppresses it or people do out of sheer ignorance about how the algorithm works or sometimes from pure hate. Yes, I have gotten on the bad side of a certain group. Not saying who or why in this blog.

      I still have people who see my posts regularly ask, “Don’t you have another book coming out soon?” I tell them, “Yes, I do, but the algorithm isn’t showing it to anyone, or they show it to the wrong people, and they scroll by.” This leads me to think that either A) my books aren’t worth it, B) no one wants to read them, and C) I’m going to be stuck in obscurity forever and never get to make even 4 figures from my books.

How it affects my mental state:

       It happens with every book and hits harder each time. My brain thinks because there are more books it means more people should see and read them, right? Wrong! In my experience 75-80% of people aren’t looking for long series, unfinished series, or series at all. Why? Because...

1) They’re worried that the indie author will never finish them
2) They don’t want to wait a year for the next book
3) They want one offs that they don’t have to think too much about
4) They’re worried they won’t be able to get them even if the author does finish them, like in the US where the government is starting to revert back to puritanical suppression of the 1900’s and earlier.

I try to combat all of it with logic and facts:

1. Worried it won’t be finished:
       I’ve already written the next two books in the Created Angel series, Deadly Sirens (April 2026) & Fated Angel (April 2027), which finishes the story arc that started in book 1: The Stained Angel.
       For The Kalista Chronicles, I have book 6, An Angel Falls (Oct ‘25), currently being edited, and I’m writing book 7. Plus, the next 4 books are already written… They just need a rewrite.
   
   
2. They don’t want to wait a year:
       I have a year between releases for a good reason. I have 2 series, and publish one book in each a year. I tried doing 2 a year for each, but can’t because of the process: Write, Edit, Beta, ARC, Release. It can take as little as 4 months or as long as 4 years, depending WHOLLY upon the upheaval of life for myself AND my editors. I did put out 4 books in one year (2023), and it was too much. I was even more depressed as it was double the publishing, and quadrupled the depression because it sped up my process, and deadlines were missed.
   
   
3. They want one offs:
       I’ve only ever written 2 “one off” books, and I’m waiting to release them until a bit later, because they feature characters or have spoilers for the books/series which are currently out. One features a character who is still a child at this point, and the other is much later in the timeline, so would spoil a few things for the current readers. I don’t want to the 20 or so faithful readers who buy my books.
   
   
4. Government suppression:

    No matter what happens with the US government, I will publish my books. I may have to edit scenes out and put them in a secret place where viewers who want it can find it, but I won’t STOP publishing my books. Not ever. The Fundamental Independent Baptist Church (of the USA) tried to stop me, and I won’t let anyone succeed where they failed.

But I digress...

       Each release is met by less orders and excitement, and more suppression or ignoring with a side of deeper depression. My brain then thinks negatively about my books, even though MANY people have said how good they are. Just look at the reviews, none of them are below 4 ⭐'s! The only thing stopping people from ordering is finances and life.

       I understand both reasons, but my brain still thinks that it’s my fault. I try my best not to entertain the negative thoughts. But after 10 books, talking about Chaos Theory for over a year {closer to four}, telling people about the pre order cost a few weeks ago, so that they could save for it… I’ve done all I can on my end, and I’m once again roadblocked at the finish line.

       Thus, the spiral of depression. This time the spiral went so deep that I didn’t write more than 150 words for three days, because ‘Why write when it’s perpetuating the endless cycle of write to escape depression, edit the hell out of it, have betas read it, then more depression when less than 20 people {over all formats} pre order it.’

lastly, a reminder:

      Anyway, that’s the long version of my pre publishing depression… There’s also post publishing depression, where I hyper fixate on the fact that no one is buying the book now that it’s released, which drives me back to writing to escape it.

      Again, this is just part of my experience with writing and depression… I won’t go into the deeper details of the spiral or what happens when it gets this bad, but since you’re reading this, you already know one part; Talking about it is the least destructive ways of dealing with the depression and one that frees my mind of the thoughts without acting on them in a way I will later regret.

      I hope you have better luck publishing, marketing, and getting sales than I have the past four years and ten books. I also hope that you too can find better and less destructive ways to deal with the depression that sets in.